When I returned home Friday night after spending the day working with Mistress doing a photo shoot, my wife of almost four decades sarcastically asked “How was my day with my lady friend?” I was at a loss for words. Taken completely by surprise, I’d had told her I was going to be at work, but out of my office doing some photography. Since she was very upset, somehow she knew I wasn’t at work and was elsewhere with a lady friend. I told her that I am not having an affair and I haven’t ever had sexual relations with anyone but her (which is true). That didn’t change her mood at all. Anyway she wouldn’t talk to me even though I was being my normal calm self, which was difficult. No arguments or anything like that. She was just super pissed, wouldn’t get involved in any conversation, no questions, nothing, and even left the bedroom Friday night after we went to bed sometime during the night, she slept in another bed room.

My problem was totally self-caused. I inadvertently didn’t close Windows Internet Explorer on my computer in the morning when Ieft. I must have minimized it by mistake so my wife had full access to my e-mail and must have read my personal e-mails. There were a few e-mails to Mistress and my wife read them and of course one that confirmed the Friday appointment. Oh, I’m an experienced sub but my wife is not into BD/SM and my activities are done covertly. Even though she doesn’t share or even know anything about this lifestyle, I love her dearly and am constantly fascinated by her half Hungarian side, which brings a type A lively spontaneity which keeps our love fresh. Obviously, she had gone beyond just reading the e-mails but looked at Mistress’ website. After six years of being Mistress’ subbie, I was suddenly busted.

On Saturday morning she bluntly stated that I had lied about where I was and what I was doing and she doesn’t like anyone who lies, and can not believe anything I say ever again. I tried to explain that she is just a good friend and I see her and do things with and for her occasionally, that she is an anatomist and happens to be into domination. That it’s an interest of mine, a fascination with the concept of domination and submission and that the lie is only partial. I was in fact doing nothing but photography. My wife was not interested in seeing anything I had done from yesterday’s shoot. Whenever I go to visit with Mistress, my cover is going to a course or some other legitimate sounding activity out of my office and that I might be late getting home. She correctly correlated in her mind the times I said this, to the visits with my Mistress over a 6 year duration, and stupidly, I admitted that was true. Fortunate, she doesn’t know about the overnights or weekends such as Summer Bash or the retreat in the woods, naked duck hunting stuff (me, the duck), etc. Her wrong concept of D/S is that it is an illegal activity, disgusting and immoral and she doesn’t want to be associated with anyone (me) who will be arrested in hand cuffs someday for illegal activity. Even after trying to describe that it is not prostitution and it is a legal activity, and that she has an incorrect impression all together, she continued to say she can’t believe a word I say.

I tried to honestly tell my wife that this fascination has had no negative effect on our relationship at home and that “lying” about where I was going was done to not complicate our lives and was meant to isolate my activity from our lives together. I told her I know that D/S was not something she would be interested in, so I didn’t involve her. I told her that couples do get into this together and it would have been interesting if I thought she had that as an interest as well. I told her that what I was doing had no effect on our relationship. She asked about money for such activity. I truthfully stated that it didn’t cost “us” anything (her that is, since I do some consulting on the side) and said no more than that. I told her that I do things for Mistress on occasion, like a barter relationship. I asked, did I correctly assuming that if I talked about this initially and didn’t have to lie about it and didn’t do this covertly, would that have made a difference? She said she would have been just as upset, but is more so now because of the additional lies about where and what I was doing. I guess I blew it in my approach. You always do what you want to do anyway, she said.

Bottom line, I don’t think this will blow over and resolve itself back to nearly normal, even though I wish it would. I’m not being thrown out, but she wants to end our marriage relationship, eventually sell our house and we could do our own things separately in the future. She said “Get a lawyer.” She wants half of the house sale (we did plan to sell the house eventually since the children are no longer living at home) and has no other thoughts about future finances (I assume half of my income). Obviously my life has been turned upside down. I have no regrets about my experiences with my Mistress, because doing this is not cheating on my marriage, not illegal or unethical in my mind, and I do love my wife very much and don’t know what to do now. Also, I do not want to upset Mistress with this, it’s all my doing, probably not for the better. I can cope with this, I think, as we are both independent with self-confident mind sets even though we have become quite accustomed to being with each other during almost four decades of marriage. Mistress did say my wife would eventually find out and was surprised that she didn’t already know, but I never prepared myself for this eventuality. My wife did say she knew I have some kinky interests, but never assumed it was this bad. No amount of stating that it has not been an offense to our marriage vows is being accepted by her. She just continues to say, I can’t believe any thing you say anymore. “You are a liar!”

On the optimistic side (so I won’t get too depressed about this situation), since this may proceed in some unknown way, possibly to divorce, it may allow me to eventually get more into the life-style, which may develop in unknown and interesting ways. Somehow being able to still think straight, I wrote a short description of my situation (very vanilla) to give to my lawyer and did go to see him Saturday afternoon and gave him that written description, as an appropriate first step, before she does. I talked with him for a half an hour and he says I should be very apologetic and things will probably get back to sort of normal in time. Things like this take time to sort out thoughts, hurt feelings, egos, etc. and nothing should be done now, he said. It was sort of reassuring, but I asked him to retain me and start a file. He said as a precaution, I must not visit with Mistress until after some resolution, one way or another. I’m sorry I wasted Mistress’ time on Friday because I can not finish that photo project for her.

Saturday night I was relegated to sleeping on the living room couch, not good, but at least my wife doesn’t have to sleep in a children’s bedroom. Obviously, I am very upset, but who knows what direction life’s course will take in the future. I don’t feel mad, I am feeling guilty for causing my wife to make the decision to go it alone, I feel a terrible loss, I feel somewhat lost and confused, I am anxious about the future, I’m trying to be optimistic for the future to be good. Again, this is all my doing, my fate, my destiny, and I do not wish to upset anyone. I hope Mistress will be there (I assume e-mail is safe, if I make sure I close the window correctly) with words of wisdom and guidance for me. It’s a whole new playing field suddenly and I’m quite unsure of what say or to do, but will survive.

I e-mailed Mistress about my situation trying not to upset her on Monday, letting her know that my wife seems to be listening to my explanations now. She is almost at the point of understanding that what I was doing is not illegal, unethical or immoral. That is a good first step. I have collected my thoughts enough to try to at least have her understand my reasons and that they were not to have an affair or to “cheat on my marriage vows”. That it would never be my choice to leave her and that there isn’t someone else I am pursuing. She is asking for what I do there and I am emphasizing the painful punishment aspect as shown on Mistress’ web site as helping me resolve my guilts, which I have been describing to her also (work, management having to fire people and effecting their lives). It is sort of a life negotiation with her. She has done some planning and thinking also. She has given me until this weekend to make my case that may result in one of several possible outcomes: legal separation, status quo some more (relegated to the couch) or maybe even some accommodation on my part to proceed with a “live together married” relationship, or others possibilities that are unknown. Obviously, she has the upper hand at this moment.

Anyway, I sense the situation is getting somewhat better very slowly and I have 3 evenings plus all day Saturday and Sunday to “negotiate” for the better. As my lawyer stated it will probably be OK and will take time for both of us to work through this. He says everyone’s allowed one mistake, but a six year mistake is a big one. In an e-mail Mistress offered “I will always be here for you and with anything I can EVER do for you.” which is very comforting, but I can’t bother her too much as she has her own life to live. I’m realistic enough to know she does like my company, she is a friend, I am a client as well and only at most one day a month, even though she probably does think about me on other occasions. I will let her know what is happening now and not bother her too much in the future, so we can continue our friendship. I may sometime ask for her guidance, just as my lawyer is reassuring, but he’s a male and I do need a female perspective. At this specific moment however, I know what I have to accomplish during the week. I’ll probably e-mail Mistress next Monday or Tuesday with my status. It was my choice and my actions and I have no regrets about having the friendship with my Mistress.

On Friday evening I thought I had 5 days to state my case especially Saturday and Sunday all day and 3 evenings to try and defuse my uncomfortable situation, but on Friday evening my time ended suddenly. “You had a week since you got caught in your lies. It’s time to resolve what we are going to do about it. I’ll restate the choices you have to decide on.” My wife stated definitively.
“1) separation, you’re out of here on Monday and a fast track to divorce,
2) Stay here, sleep alone downstairs, finish planned renovations to sell the house and a slow track to a more thought out divorce settlement,
3) Things back to before except no sex at all for six months, that’s fair, one month for each year, and you have to agree to have therapy for six months.”
Without hesitation, I chose my third option. Wednesday, she had said I needed therapy when she had me describe some of the torture sessions. I just kept to corporal in my descriptions; anything else I did with Suzanne would not be in my benefit for this negotiation. She said she hoped I would pick # 3 and has already setup an appointment for me tomorrow 8:30 AM at the doctor’s office.

I only had a psychiatric therapy session once before, when I was getting Top Security Clearance for work that involved “Sensitive Medical/Technical Government Information”. It wasn’t comfortable, lots of embarrassing sexual questions and relationship incident remembering to determine if I could be blackmailed. But I wasn’t worried too much for what was in store with therapy. Hopefully it would be done alone and not with my wife so doctor patient confidentiality would be kept. Saturday we arrived at one of the many medical buildings in the city, one that I have been inside before. We went into her OBGYN doctor’s waiting room. She filled out the forms. I didn’t understand this at all and she wasn’t explaining anything to me. Her doctor is a nice lady, slightly younger than we are maybe in her fifties. We walked in and she smile and greeted us.

“Your wife wants me to give you a physical exam. If I’m to do any therapy, you have to be in good medical shape. Remove your clothes and sit on the examining table.” I did, and removed everything except my underpants. It was a modern OBGYN table with stirrups that I noticed could be electrically brought out with switches having icon arrow labels, like on the side of a motorized hospital bed. Surprisingly, it was beginning to feel like a medical fantasy session. She (a doctor that has never touched me before) did a very complete medical exam; typical bodily probing exam; blood pressure and ECG was done, listened to chest sounds, viewed into my eyes, mouth and ears, etc, blood samples taken, the works. I began feeling scared and very embarrassed when she removed my underpants, now naked I was asked to provide a urine sample. I stood up, I looked around for a washroom, took a step in that direction, but I was told she wanted to see the velocity of the stream and the sample cup was large enough, so do it as forcefully as I can and it won’t splash (prostate status, I assumed makes sense). She had me lie down on the examining table and placed my feet into the stirrups. Then surgical gloved, she started on the rectal prostate and genital palpation exam (done quite gently, actually) standing between my knees as the stirrups electrically hummed to spread me wide open very accessible. Even in my uncomfortable situation, the rectal and cock and ball palpation stimulation caused an undesired erection that I couldn’t prevent, I tried to no avail. I shouldn’t have been thinking it was like a med session. I never had an erection when my regular male physician did this kind of exam, but maybe it is because he isn’t as gentle doing it and the position is on my side knees up to my chest or by bending over the end of the table and the testicular palpation is usually very quick, standing facing him. This is a very different situation.

Suddenly, the doctor began verbal intimidation. My wife was watching very intently as the pelvic area touching had me at full erection. The words I relate here are not exact like a transcript, but are correct in content, paraphrased as best as I can recall. “I’ve been your wife’s Doctor since before she gave birth to your children. We have been in communication the last few days. I know what is going on with you. I have had a few patients that are into the SM lifestyle. What you have described to her is crap and you know it. So you’re going to answer fully and honestly my questions.” While saying this, her thumb and second finger surrounded my scrotum, my balls in the palm of her hand and felt finger nails pressing into my scrotum against my balls. “Did you have intercourse with your Mistress?” No, I never ha…. Pushing her finger nails hard into my balls was so sudden and unexpected it actually knocked the wind out of me. “Answer just yes or no. Do you get sexual excitement from being punished?” Yes, a… sometimes. “Are you required to masturbate for her?” No. “Does your Mistress touch your penis and testicles?” Yes, som….. I feel the nails several times not as hard but now the clenched fist pressure constant, I learned quickly to answer just yes or no. Her voice was loud and very intimidating, she leaned forward he face close to mine, the rapid fire content of questions are of subjects I may think abou, but almost never talk about or have never really verbalized and is all very distressing. “Everytime?” No. “Do you have an erection like this when you are with your Mistress?” Yes. I was feeling like I wanted to shrink into a hole in the ground. “Do you get an erection when you are being beaten?” Yes, Som….Oh no. I really needed to qualify my answers. Just yes or no makes it sound so bad. “Have you touched your Mistress Genitals?” No ”Has your Mistress put things in your anus?” Yes “Has your Mistress put things into your penis? Yes, but it wa……agh…This went on for probably 10 minutes, questions like this all related to sexual activities and reactions to sessions specifics in a Dungeon, mutual sexual contact, masturbation, having/causing orgasm, repeated with different wording over and over. I know I revealed much too much, and just yes or no answers conveyed an absolutely wrong impression of my relationship with Mistress, but I was at a severe disadvantage.

I tried to explain the really condemning Yes answers by qualifying them and did so even under excrutiating, radiating into my abdomen ball pain. The Doctor literally had me by the balls. I was totally flustered, stunned, had to answer quickly or felt the nails penetrating my balls. The Doctor was relentless, sadistic and obviously angry with me. Unfortunately, I revealed almost everything and the way I was allowed to answer made it sound terrible. I’m totally busted. I was set up, trapped, panicked, my brain became exposed naked, I’m screwed, all my protective filters penetrated. It was all so unexpected and I was so unprepared for this “reality” fantasy. Oh, there were no questions about restraint, sensory deprivation, whips or other corporal objects, just sex associated questions. “Since you are here, you have agreed to not have any sex for six months. That means not with your wife or anyone else. Do you think you can do that?” Yes. “You are not allowed to masturbate for six months either or have any sexual associated activity. Do you think you can prevent yourself from doing that?” Yes, a… I’ll try to be good, I think I ca…… (I was suddenly feeling like a child with the school nurse, caught masturbating or something). “I don’t think any sexually active male can prevent themselves from having an erection and that associated need to relieve the mental and physical urges that requires manual attention. You proved you like being punished, by doing this over and over during the last six years with your Mistress. I strongly suspect the following statement is the real truth from your answers: Your Mistress had trained you to enjoy a feeling of sexual excitement associated with being painfully punished and you are addicted. If you didn’t get caught you would have done this for the rest of your life. Just answer Yes or No”. Yes, Maybe I’m addi……. maybe I would have cont…….. The nails felt worse each time, balls getting more and more sensitive to this coercion causing no thought responses and a few sudden hard yanks of the scrotum when the answer was too slow in coming were brutal.

She looked over at my wife and said to her “He’s totally into S & M as you heard for yourself even after being found out he was still totally lying to you. Should I continue?” My wife was very serious and seemed quite disturbed and seemed to be having real mental conflict. I don’t thing it was obvious to my wife that my answers were under such coercion and duress, because the Doctor’s hand holding my balls was not in her direct line of sight. The doctor’s left hand was on my stomach and probably looked quite non-threatening. My physical reaction to ball torture could be interpreted as emotional discomfort at the line of questioning, since I wasn’t thrashing around. I couldn’t, my body was basically immobilized by the grasp of my balls pulled downward towards my anus. Eventually my wife told the Doctor “Yes”. The Doctor continued, “If you really love your wife, you will now prove it to her by making a sacrifice by being treated for your problem addiction. If you hesitate in your response, it will probably mean divorce. It’s your punishment, and you like being punished didn’t you?” Yes Doctor (Wow, the Doctor has me fully submissive). My heart was pounding and my hands were visibly trembling at my sides on the table. “If you do not voluntarily agree now that means you are not willing to make this sacrifice to maintain the bond you have with your spouse and without doing this there is no assurance that you will not masturbate and break your promise. The answer you gave; I’ll try, was definitely not a sufficient Yes.” Finally releasing my balls after maybe 15 minutes, I was allowed to sit up and she handed me papers, it is a 4 page treatment consent. I was told to read it. I was told I should either sign it or get a lawyer. I was given lots of time to read sitting on the examining table. I had no choice. I was trembling, realized what’s going to happen to me, sweating, chilled, both legs bouncing uncontrollably. She’s going to CASTRATE me was all I could think, even though it didn’t actually say that on the paper, well, chemical castration and I sort of think that what’s done to sex criminals in prison. I had no choice, brain frozen, the words were read but were not penetrating, when I was told to write “Addicted to erotic stimulation of masochistic activity”, on the “for treatment of” line, I did, and signed it. Arm and hand were shaking so, it’s barely legible.

COPY OF THE TREATMENT CONSENT FORM (coming soon)

“The way we will do this is you have an appointment once a week, every Saturday morning for treatment; be here each time with your wife. The drug is FDA approved, safe and effective. Understood? Is that acceptable?” Yes Doctor. “ Oh, yes, and you will provide manual sexual satisfaction to her whenever she requests it, after all, she isn’t being punished. If you have a sexual response by doing this, even if she induces you into an erection, I’m prescribing the addition of a daily contraception pill that will have female hormones to further prevent testosterone caused responses. Understood? Do you agree?” Yes Doctor. I had no choice. It was this or be lost. I’ve heard of Depo-Provera, but somehow I think it’s for females, had no idea what it does or what it will feel like. Grabbing at straws, I asked, “Are there any bad side effects other than that?” I managed to say wondering if my wife heard these, she might change her mind. “There are some side effects that are different with each person. No male has died or had any permanent ill effects after the Depo-Provera injections, if the dose is lowered gradually over several months at the end of treatment. I will do an exam weekly to see how you are progressing and watch for side effects.” That didn’t help at all. I love My wife and I want to stay with her, so I had no choice but to agree to “volunteer” if you can call it that, for treatment, a…. for my punishment. My spilling the beans was definitely coerced, but my signing was what I had to do. I am thinking, it’s going to be Hell for the next six months, worse than any fantasy between session consequences/tasks Mistress or I would have ever came up with. I’m drifting into fantasy, I enjoy masturbation with my wife, a usual pre-coital activity and she usually, no always reciprocates. I will feel it, but will it be just torture as nothing will happen,? Will it feel like tickling or will it be horrible unfulfilling teasing several times a week?

I was rudely awakened out of my stare at some place far beyond the wall. The doctor after a few minutes was holding a 10 cc syringe half full with the drug. “Step off the table and bend forward over the table. The shot goes IM into the buttocks” I was ordered. Oh shit, it going to happen right now. It’s is too soon, I’m not prepared to do this yet. I want to fuck one more time. I want to play with myself and savor it. I want to be with Mistress, to enjoy a last session. I’m not ready to be castrated, this is too cruel. Once off the table, since I paused with these I want to/should have/ be allowed to thoughts, no opportunity to escape presented itself (my fleeing instinct suddenly evaporated), the Doctor forcefully grabbed the back of my neck with one hand and bent me forward face down on the table. The needle immediately went an inch or two in my butt and it stung a lot as the drug seeped into and between muscle bundles while the needle was repositioned several times at different depths and angles and then extracted. “That’s it. Same protocol next time, an exam and the shot. I’ll write a prescription for the contraceptive pills, so you will have it for him in the event he has an erection. That will definitely cure any testosterone responses, both mental and physical. I hope you won’t need the pills, because they will cause him to acquire some feminine physical characteristics, like breast development and other feminine figure changes that at his age will take a lot of hard work to get rid of. Not a threat, just advice” she glared at me.

The drive home, my wife always drives when we are out together. She says I drive like a doctor, too fast. She seemed a little guilty but her communication was almost like normal. And other than a slight pain in my right upper butt cheek, I felt totally normal physically yet a very strange weak feeling of post trauma experience adrenalin expired exhaustion. She explained that she had to do this, what I did was abnormal and dangerous for me. She expressed her feeling that she would be crushed if I hadn’t agreed to have the shots, meaning I didn’t love her. She want’s me to stay with her. This is for my own good. Did we do the right thing? My fast answer was “I love you dearly and want to be with you always” or something like that, never saying it was the right thing to do. I thought it was a perfect answer. Her hand found my lap and before we got home had me fully enjoying an erection, even though I thought that would never happen again. Oh, much more than just causing me to have an erection, an awful urgency developed. She said she does love me very much and said drastic measures were required for drastic problems I caused and she is glad that is over now. It was lonely in bed she said. Surprisingly, after an hour or so, it was like nothing had ever happened, she was extremely pleasant. For her it was over, she was bouncy, happy and did repeatedly confess she would be devastated if my choice was to leave her. Also fun again, but probably from curiosity, she kept checking, her hand on my lap in stimulating ways every few hours. My cock response feels good. I really wanted to do much more than get a hard-on, but I didn’t dare press for much more, I restrained myself, sigh, and didn’t take things into my own hand. I guess my teasing to frustration punishment has just started. A very optimistic thought occurred to me, maybe the shot was a placebo and she only wanted to find out if I would sign the consent to find out of I loved her enough, if I would make this sacrifice to stay with her.

WRONG! At her 8:15 PM stimulation check, my cock had died. Even in bed at 11:30 when I was asked to do her and she was stimulating me, it stayed dead limp soft. I felt neutered like a dog. The Drug works too fast, affects me too soon, I want to masturbate one more time after she fell asleep. I feel there is more to that shot than just shutting down testosterone. I’ve got to do web research to find out what Depo really does. Playing with myself when I was sure she was asleep Saturday night was no different than rubbing my nose. Ironically, unknowingly they pulled off a spectacular castration mind fuck fantasy session, no balls are effects for real as in between weekly med session consequences, far beyond any fantasy I could have ever come up with. Oh Yes, I didn’t see on the consent 6 months, but in a thinking moment just before we left the office, asked the Doctor if I could write down 6 months. I was allowed to do this.

During the night I suddenly realized I wrote 6 months only on my copy, not initialed by the Doctor. The official treatment consent in the doctor’s office doesn’t state any specific treatment length. Only my wife said 6 months. Am I screwed? The doctor just said every Saturday. I had tossed and turned a lot overnight. I woke early, can sense my ability to imagine fun things fading a lot. I can’t find stimulating erotic thoughts, which usually are easy to conjure up. I feel sort of numb all over, slightly zombie like, distant, dull, tired, a wake up fog lasting a few hours not a few minutes. Effects of hormones are super wicked and fiendish, both physical and mental. I read my copy of the consent over and over, enough times to get some concern about side effects listed on it. Before even self concern leaves me, my analytical ability feeling sluggish, I made a list of those side effects down a column on an Excel table, so I will notice them if they happen and made a column for what to do about it. Yikes, I realize some are real problems, Paranoid worry started: worst is hypogonadism, the shrinking of the balls, prostate and seminal vessels (will that happen before six weeks, no, I mean six months are up?). I won’t get prostate cancer – benefit?), other problems: fatigue, mental depression, diverticulitis (intestional pain), phlebitis (blood clots – causes strokes), weight gain (I just lost 7 pounds gained from Prednisone for Lyme disease I acquired from some nasty tick), and muscle cramps. And if I have an erection, I’ll be made to take contraceptive pills: breasts (some fat there already), hips, pubic triangle, butt. I got to be very careful, no erections, don’t get caught, no, don’t play with myself, useless anyway. Some of these don’t bother me, I just have to do something when it happens: Hypotension (my pressure is low), nausea (felt it this morning at wakeup, wretched several times this morning), insomnia (I sleep deeply, but not last night), nightmares (usually don’t), cold sweats (only Saturday on the examining table reading the consent), hot flashes (hmmm), sperm malformed (no more kids anyway), loss of body hair (hmmm?). The effect was in 10 hours: impotence, can’t conjure up erotic thoughts, no erections so no ejaculation, no possibility of orgasm.

When my wife woke up, I told her my concerns and we talked. I told her I was reading the Consent and asked about counseling that was mentioned. She said the she and Doctor will do the counseling. The Doctor told her to be watchful for symptoms and also must have filled her in on how to control me. The weight gain worry, since I just lost 7 pounds I had gained from the last medication, Prednisone, to keep me busy, she will assign hard work around the house (that should be done anyway) for no weight gain, she told me we’ll eat lightly, but she’ll keep me laboring. I’m not allowed to sit around to computer all day (sigh, a big loss). She said I am to go to the hardware store and rent a carpet steamer. After this discussion, I rented a carpet steamer “Carpet Doctor”. She wasn’t standing over me, I wasn’t forced, but checked often, no breaks, when the motor stopped as I had to dump dirty water and add more water with detergent, it was her signal to check – it’s a 24 hour rental, letting me know where I missed and where else must be done. The Doctor probably told her about sub “service” being something she should try. I never admitted to bathroom cleaning I had done for Mistress as “Service”, since it never came up. She had me scrubbing and huffing it back and forth all day and into the evening, total physical exhaustion, but good to prevent weight gain. I can think while working, though. She even baked brownies in the afternoon, doesn’t bake unless she’s very happy. I got a tiny piece at 10:30 PM. My compensation for work, mutual masturbation in bed (2 days in a row, sigh), a very cruel punishment reinforcement. Maybe that is my form of counseling. It doesn’t tickle or hurt physically, it is just torture by memory of knowing what it should feel like when it’s happening.

I think my memory is unaffected by the shot, but actually I probably can’t notice what isn’t remembered if it was effected. 36 hours after the shot, I feel totally unsexed, neutered, no erotic brain energy, and hope I can motivate myself to keep writing about this, but starting to write some of it early Monday morning wasn’t stimulating, not like writing a fantasy, just depressing. I’m finding out what testosterone did for me and what not having any does. All obsessive want is gone, erotic desire died. Memories of Sessions and being with Mistress only produce longing, not anticipation or excitement. Damn, good feelings are being sucked out of me by the injection. At least I can feel upset about that. It’s a really bad drug trip, but only 6 months of drug control I hope, not forever eunuch if my balls can hold up for 182 days under 500mg of this Depo-Provera poisoning my hormone production each week.

Monday morning, still unsure about my reality of 6 months, I sheepishly asked my wife. She answer “Yup, 6 months for sure, after that we’ll see.” I interpret that to mean, she can give or take away. Oh boy, do I have to be really good now and very, very careful, to get my balls back, and especially to regain her trust. I went to work at my usual time. Surprisingly, partitioning my life as I do was a very useful concept. It is business as usual, probably because business has little or no emotional or erotic thought behavior. Between work things I do, I had time to set up the Excel table to be alert and to monitor my symptoms of adverse reactions and expanded it for all unknown side effects, for that matter. Later in the day after finishing a good days work early. I started my web search on Depo-Provera and also looked in my Physicians Desk Reference (only a few years outdated) for usual insert labeling for Depo-Provera.

I can’t do any of this at writing at home any more, am not allowed to just sit at my computer for hours at a time as I used to. I was allowed to watch the TV Show 24, which is one of the very few weekly TV shows I enjoy, but only if I go to the grocery store and buy rug spot remover and use it to scrub away stains that the Steam Cleaning didn’t do a good job on. Only after inspection of spots gone that she had pointed out, was my reward to watch the TV show. Immediately after the show another hour was spent changing drapes and valances in 4 bedrooms, installing new ones she bought during the day. It’s my keep weight off labor “service” for tonight. I wonder how long she will keep thinking up things for me to do after dinner every night. There are always things that should or could be done around the house.

On Tuesday, I’m continuing my web search as I find time about the drug and it is pretty scarry. I’m about finished with the first part of this writing, adding to it as I recall more things and editing grammar, that’s the narrative about what happened in the OBGYN doctor examining room and working on entries into my Excel sheet for symptom monitoring is all up to date and have transferred data from the reading the web articles to the spreadsheet. I like it, a good tabular summary and a good monitoring help. I will tell Mistress my progress, pdf them and send these to her for reading at her leisure of she wants to. I want her to know what I have learned, she might be interested, but I don’t want to take up too much of her time. So, I will let her know its sent knowing its only if and when she finds time, and if she finds it interesting, she too can become an expert on chemical castration and the drug Depo-Provera, along with my first hand account. My wife is doing fine being domineering with me, I’m doing “service” again, actually all the time it seems and probably will have to do “Labor” for six months. It’s good, I can think and labor to not gain weight as well as do things that have always been necessary, but could never find the time to do around the house. Maybe she is keeping me away from the computer so I don’t browse the web for Mistress or SM sites, that she may be thinking I would do, which it isn’t and never was. Actually it was CD, photo and video editing and fun stuff like that I usually do that I can’t do at home in the evenings now. In a few days the narrative should be up to the point to send to Mistress and I will probably be to a point that I want to share this all with her, hopefully without causing her to worry. I must let her know I’m very so very thankful to her, because if I hadn’t learned from my session experiences, what I went through Saturday would have broken me, possibly psychologically damaging for a very long time, I think, but instead I can accept, experience, document, research it as a “SM Reality Session”, like I am experienced at doing. So far, fortunately I don’t think the drug has affected my obsessive analytical ways when it comes to documenting my reality.

By Wednesday I finished as much of my web search as I think is necessary. A few Web Search inputs however really do worry me. Here are my main concerns:

First is Dosage. The PDR says 150mg every 3 months for women as a contraceptive and the drug is only supplied in 150mg/1ml concentration. A half of a 10 cc syringe that was squirted into my butt half full is 750mg. I am positive, because I stared at it in her hand before I was shoved down onto the table, it was 5cc which is 5 ml or 750mg. Shit, that’s calculates to 12 times 750, or 9,000mg in three months. My god, a female gets 300ml in six months which prevents conception by hormonal modification and I will get 18,000mg in that same 6 months. Even if I was wrong and it is only 500mg, that’s 12,000mg into me in 6 months vs. clinical recommended female dose of 300mg, 40 times the FDA approved female dosage. If I took 40 times the adult dose of Aspirin for example, I would hemorrhage to death.

Second Major Concern is a statement in the Medical Peer Reviewed Literature on the use of Depo-Provera for transsexuals being requested to be modified by choice, male to female. Quote: “It is also a preliminary and concurrent step in hormone treatment for male-to-female transsexualism, change will be permanent after six months.” If this is true, I’m more than screwed, I’m castrated. It is TOP PRIORITY to come up with some strategy with my wife or doctor to lower the dose or stop it someway before being on this drug for six months!

Third, as I was reading about adverse side effects of high dosage (500mg) injected weekly on sex prisoners being released on parole, a retrospective survey of many subjects; the percentages, especially when age 30 to 40 years and older are for example: 8% developed diabetes, 10% got gallstones, 33% gained 15 to 20 pounds, and 70% of the prisoners had loss of body hair growth; pubic hair, auxiliary hair, front and back torso hair, arms and legs, and facial loss of beard growth. Top of head hair unaffected though, very strange, not like chemotherapy, where the metabolism changes all over making all hair fall out. I say again Hormone modifications are wicked and fiendish, especially sex hormones and their efficacy.

Forth, it takes 1 to 2 weeks for the drug to fully take effect, that’s why sex offense prisoners don’t get released on parole until after their second shot. It only 4 days for me so far, and I feel so sexless already. How much worse can I feel between my legs and in between by ears.

There are many other side effects in the literature that are not too serious and may be in that 2% or less range. This tells me a lot about Saturday, and that doctor. The Treatment Consent is most likely based on Pharmaceutical Company Trials, where reported side effects under 2% are listed by FDA regulation from clinical trials of the drug. This is not the labeling for the Prisoner Population at the 40 times higher dose. The percentages found in the literature are far above 2%. It is a fraudulent use of labeling statistics for a Treatment Consent, from the wrong test population. Another thing is not having 6 months duration stated on the Treatment Consent I signed, that was probably purposely left out. Mistress is quite intuitive and she did write in her last e-mail “… I just hope she doesn’t decide to keep you impotent forever.” In the literature for prisoners, during parole and after, discontinuing use of the drug can only be granted by an official clemency board. My suspicion is that lawyers wrote that Treatment Consent form I signed intended for State Judicial System use, which has not yet passed for “voluntary” or “mandatory probation”, associated with castration and/or chemical castration legislation as a condition for release into the public population, but probably will, when a more California like liberal congress happens. Politically what is strange to me is Conservative Texas also has such laws. I guess it is more of an emotional “cut off their balls” mentality, which even I feel is OK for child molesters, rapists and even murderers, if such perversions or aggressive behavior is really testosterone dictated. Not for SM lifestyle people who enjoy their experiences, their power giving and taking and do not hurt anyone not interested, which some societies fear and do punish in this way as a dangerous perversion, along with homosexuals and transvestites.

It’s Thursday. By inference, Depo-Provera on many of the web sites I’ve read intimate it takes one to two weeks to fully take effect. So maybe after two more days pass or definitely after nine days from now, the effect will be somewhat worse, but more stable and set. I don’t know how much more it could affect my deleted sexuality, but we will see. If this drug purges my memory of experience feelings of all erotic memory, I will loose completely any motivation to develop and pull off a strategy to save my balls before 6 months passes. Now I feel that isn’t a possibility, but if that happens, as I said before, what I don’t remember what I can’t and won’t know it any more and I will need Mistress’ help and guidance. Of course, if I don’t remember I won’t feel it’s a loss and I will exist OK, but it seems quite sad if that does happen. Oh well, writing this experience down, having a lot of the session videos and most of Mistress’ gallery photos of myself and other SM/BD activities archived away on a removable hard drive, that should be useful in rekindling memory of my experiences and of my Mistress, no matter what the drug does to my subbie experience and erotic memories. One last thing I will do before the two weeks are up, write a list of things I must do to preserve the memory of wonderful sessions and visit experiences; such as watch a session video at least once a week, more often if possible or study gallery photos once or twice a week. I will do that, make a must do list just in case, and I’ll do it even if my memory is not effected. One came to mind is to keep my body hair trimmed and my genitals shaved, my subbie routine, but I guess maybe in two weeks, ironically, the drug will do that for me. Isn’t that crazy? I will definitely put foot care in the list. I have ignored my subbie care regimen for almost two weeks.

The subbie body care routine was a good idea, including anal and urinary sphincter muscle exercises Mistress taught me. On Friday I still feel motivated to keep up the good memories of experiences I have being subbie richie, the “me things” that should keep memories active. Writing this is a therapy I need. But I think I will just keep the symptom spread sheet active and not continue on this for a several weeks or so, yes, don’t even read it again until after the fifth shot. This way I can find out if I remember what I wrote, or do I think it couldn’t possibly have been like that. It is my memory test. I think I am ready to send everything off to Mistress tomorrow and not bother her for a few weeks, since it is so much stuff all at once anyway. Don’t pressure her to respond, just have her absorb this in her spare time if she wants to. Any status after the fifth shot (one month since starting the drug) should be what it is like from then on in terms of libido and only side effects that have their own latency time, will be the changes to write Mistress about.

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I had my 5th shot on Saturday, It’s been a whole month on Depo. Still looks like 4 cc which means 150 mg/cc x4 cc equals 600 mg each week. That’s maximum given for large male prisoners, and I weigh only 160 lbs. Every other week I get a full physical exam before the shot like the first exam, very basic exams on even week shots; second and forth. The shots are never in the same place, somewhere on meither butt or down the back upper half of my thighs. Which hurt more. The strategy I’ve decided on that may work: If an adverse effect happens and I can exaggerate the symptoms, this may be the only legitimate reason to eventually demand the shots be discontinued, or be significantly reduced before the 6 months (I hope) term. Complaining without cause now, or too soon without a legitimate cause would be anti my agreement to undergo therapy for 6 months to continue my marriage. Actually, I’m surprised; the effect of the Depo-P is quite stress free (except for the weekly doctor’s exam) and is just sort of smoothly tranquilizing.

I am having welding being done at work. There is a cage to safely lock-up and chain the Oxygen, Acetylene and other flammable big metal containers to the cage wall, outside overnight. I took a picture and I couldn’t resist putting myself inside the cage (virtually that is). This was a test for me. Can I enjoy SM graphic design/photoediting and still do it well in my castrated condition. I’m pretty happy with the result.

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Oh Yes, thought this might be trouble for me but isn’t. I have been getting occasional nocturnal erections (not emission), when I have to wake up to piss. I web searched about “nocturnal erections”. Apparently it’s a completely different physiological process from libido/hormonal erections and more frequent in males who are depressed. That’s one reason I’m doing my subbie routine like before the shots, just in case I’m actually getting depressed (I don’t think so, well, only about not having visiting time with Mistress), my subbie body care routine should help. Erection occurs when the urge to pee is strong from full bladder signals going to the brain which begins an erection combined with REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, which is supposedly some unconscious dreaming with content disturbing/frightening enough to create sudden awakening. Once awake the erection rapidly goes away in order to be able to pee. It seems my erectile plumbing is still works OK. I have printed references about this just in case I get caught with a nocturnal erection. I don’t want my wife to make me take contraceptive pills thinking I had sexual urges and was playing with myself. Taking Female hormones while lacking Testosterone would be devastatingly cruel to my body and my psyche. I’ll have to try Viagra to find out if that can help create a physically stimulated erection. It might not need normal values of testosterone to work and may be more like the nocturnal erection physiology. Maybe someday soon I’ll give that a try.It probably won’t lead to pleasure and ejaculation, but may be interesting to experiment with.

The only side effects that might fit into my shot dose lowering/ending strategy are the hand and leg cramps I’m having. I’m stopping taking the muscle relaxant pills the doctor prescribed to prevent this (I’ll flush them away slowly) and when I get cramps while my wife is nearby or within earshot, I can be dramatic, even writhe around on the floor if I have to eventually. I can make this seem worse and worse each week or month slowly but definitely escalating to a point of hazard or to seem debilitating. The only problem with cramps, the muscles involved hurt for several hours after a good cramp. Not complaining to her though, of course. Eventually, both my wife and the Doctor may worry about this “neuromuscular” side effect and hopefully lower the dose until this “my super exaggerated” side effect is gone. What do you think Mistress, possible?
In my condition now, I feel sort of preteen, at least from a libido standpoint and now I have noticed slowing effects on body and facial hair growth rate (I don’t have to facial shave daily now and after three days it’s like one days growth previously). Probably all testosterone that was stored in fats have been totally metabolized away after four weeks of treatment. Hair on top of my head is growing like it is fertilized and finger and toe nails grow like crazy, probably from the vitamin regimen I’ve started to prevent other side effects. Hopefully once I can get off this Depo stuff, I will feel like a teenager (which isn’t necessarily good either) but eventually may be once again I’ll have my usual feeling of being around 40 or so in all aspects. That should be a very interesting transition for me and an experience to look forward to (a second pubescence, yikes, I should be so lucky). But I’ve got to get the dose reduced pretty soon or the transgender affect with make my balls dysfunctional. I hope my cramping side effects strategy will work to influence a sympathetic or liability medical response to lower my dose. It’s still nearly a half full 10cc syringe which is still 600 mg per week, since I know the solution is supplied only at 150 mg per cc.
I’ve proceeded on my strategy to have the dose lowered and my wife has witnessed some really good hand cramps and a few leg cramps that are really happening. I think she told the doctor about this, because during the exam on last Saturday, the Doctor asked how many Muscle Relaxant pills am I taking. I told her on days when they are happening often, I take four (actually none) (two a day are prescribed). The doctor looked concerned, but Shot # 6 was still a full 4cc/600 mg. I will actually don’t have to work on making them even more dramatic, especially the outer thigh cramps, as they are pretty intense. Hopefully this st5rategy will lower the dose eventually. I even can cause hand cramps by pressing my thumb against my forth finger for 30 seconds. For the next minute or so early in the week, I can’t move the fingers (distorted paralyzed) and have to massage it away.

My wife is really getting into her dominating role of keeping me from gaining weight by enforcing only one meal a day (I’m doing this to not gain 15 to 20 pounds in 6 months as reported in the literature). It’s a good diet actually and she is keeping me very busy and physically tired by labor “Service” every evening/night, for example planting evergreens in the yard, hand aerating the soil of the lawn, fertilizing and reseeding, home renovations, painting, car detailing, etc. Assigned labor is something different every evening/night and all weekends that requires strength and causes sweat. These “service tasks” do not require thinking, so I can escape into my subbie imagination while laboring. All things that should be done anyway, but often get neglected or I hire people to do it. Besides body hair growth diminution, cramps, and some noticeable breast growth, my muscle tone seems OK and my memory is OK. I don’t feel I’m gaining any abdomen, thigh or butt weight. Servicing her manually sexually is routine now around every other night which always includes her stimulating my genitals making sure I’m not having an erection. She also must be making sure that I am not getting any corporal fun during the day, by checking me out several times a week, a skin care routine removing blackheads and relieving any clogged pores found anywhere on my naked body.
Mistress asked if this could be published on her web site and I am glad she wishes to do this. It might be interesting and an educational first hand account for inquisitive med fantasy seekers and masochists. I’ll add to this writing as major changes or incidents happen. Any comments or questions for me can be sent to Mistress who will forward them to me for response at [email protected]

subbie richie,
now addressed by Mistress as
My Favorite Castrated Slave